At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater(母校，校歌) . One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
The exec(实行，主任参谋) was making a presentation to the company board: "Computers have allowed us to cut costs," he explained. "We expect even more dramatic improvements as computers become increasingly self-sufficient." He unveiled(公开，揭幕) a large chart showing a man, a dog, and a computer. "Here is our organization plan of the future." "What kind of plan is that?" demanded a board member. "It's simple," replied the exec. "The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to bite the man if he touches the computer."
My battery commander(连长) and I were interviewing candidates for a position asreconnaissance(侦测，勘探) sergeant in our artillery(火炮，大炮) unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"
"Yes, sir." he replied.
"Can you see the radio antenna(天线，触角) on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"
The sergeant leaned forward and squinted(斜视) . "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."
He got the job.
A wealthy matron(主妇) is so proud of a valuable antique(古老的) vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric(古怪的，反常的) woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"
"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."